Binding: Audio Cassette
Dewey Decimal Number: 152
EAN: 9781564553331
Format: Audiobook
ISBN: 1564553337
Label: Sounds True, Incorporated
Manufacturer: Sounds True, Incorporated
Number Of Items: 3
Number Of Pages: 5
Publication Date: 1995-09-01
Publisher: Sounds True, Incorporated
Studio: Sounds True, Incorporated

This landmark guide shares a new view of why we fall in and out of love--and why this process is essential. Illustrated with real-life examples, this audio unravels the many layers of emotional experience after a love ends.

Customer Rating:
Summary: For the broken heart
Comment: Definitely would recommend this book to anyone who is either going through a hard time in their relationship or has just ended a relationship and closure seems to be unattainable. You may not agree with all of the theories in this book, but it will certainly give you insight to things you previously were blinded. It gives you reasoning as to why we choose the partners we do, and why they choose you as well. The psychology of relationships can be spun into a million diffferent ways-but the root of them seem to be the same. I believe this book has come very close to the true reasoning behind our mating. This was a crutch for me and gave me some sanity when I couldn't get a grip when my 1st marriage ended.

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Customer Rating:
Summary: Not for those who want to heal their marriage / relationship.
Comment: As another reviewer stated, "The theme is rather unnerving in that one might conclude that it is inevitable that most marriages/relationships will fail." Yes, that is what Ms. Kingma believes and slowly convinces you into believing it too, if you are "one the fence" about leaving a relationship. She ENCOURAGES divorce and breaking up, and validates your decision to do so, as the title implies. (jmho).

If you are working on your relationship or marriage, this is NOT the book for you. This book will take whatever is left of it and guide you in how to end it - literally. See pgs. 76 & 77 as an example.

We know much more about the psychodynamics of marriage and relationships since this book was published, though it was only eight years ago. Family of Origin issues that go uncovered or denied are often at the root of relationship and marital issues, issues that if uncovered, healed and understood, could save a viable relationship or marriage.

NOT ALL realtionships end after an affair, end when there are differences in personality, beliefs, or opinions. Many of those differences were there when ther couple came together. It may even be what attracted them to each other... a balance in the coupling. Many unnecessarily do end marriages and relationship, due to the type of "biased" advice such as Ms. Kingma's, complete with a step-by-step recipe on how to do it and why you should.

Interesting that she also authored a book titled, "True Love"! I thought she just told (convinced) us there is no such thing?

This book seems to have been written for and popular with those who want out of a relationship or have already ended one. A kind of self-validation of, "I did the right thing". If validation of your decision to end your relationship is what you are looking for... you will certainly find that in 'Coming Apart'.... a "how-to" book on break-up and divorce.

PS - If you don't work out your issues in the relationship you are in... you will continue to revisit the same issues in the next, and the next, relationship until you do. Running away from relationship/marital problems, does not make them "go-away". The grass in NOT always greener in the next relationship... it's usually the same old grass, just in a different yard.
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Other Recommendations:

Grow Up! - Pittman
How to Be An Adult in Adult Relationships - Rico
If the Buddha Married (a series of 3 books) - Kasl

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Customer Rating:
Summary: It Delivers
Comment: When I initially started reading this book I though it was a waste of time. However, the book is fantastic. I got much insight into relationships and dealing with the ending of mine. The pain I was experiencing disapeared and I am able to move on without resentments. In fact, I have the ability to experience love.

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Customer Rating:
Summary: A Roadmap, A Workbook, Thought Provoking
Comment: I disagree with the reviewer who wrote: "The theme is rather unnerving in that one might conclude that it is inevitable that most marriages/relationships will fail." This statement is clearly skewed from a diminished ability to read deeper into the meaning of some of the statements surrounding the claim.

This book is exceptional. It does not contain a bunch of psychological-jargon. Rather, it is a book that made me look at myself. Stephen Coven once asked, "Why does it always take some catastrophic life event to make us look at ourselves?" (paraphrased). This book focuses on relationships, and how the breaking up of a relationship forces us to look at ourselves if we are to heal and grow from the experience. The author never implies that relationships WILL fail. Rather, her writing is realistic, though some of us would prefer to believe that failed marriages and broken relationships are not "reality". Marriages fail in the church all of the time. Her truths align with Biblical truths, though there are no religious slants.

Daphne inspires us to look at who we are and the influences and experiences that have made us who we are. She provides so many examples of different types of relationship problems and successes that you will certainly draw meaning specific to your situation.

Her work is true to the heart and cuts right to it. It makes you face the truth of who you are and what it is that you need and expect from a relationship. It helps you to turn extremely painful break-up experiences into some kind of good; it forces us to extract the part of the relationship that might make us a better person. It is certainly a giant step in helping us to deal with the emotional pain.

Thank you, Daphne, for your insights and truths.

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Customer Rating:
Summary: Hope and Understanding - A Starting Place for Your Ending
Comment: I listened to this book on audio over 10 years ago, and again recently. As I have matured and 'done my work', I can increasingly see the value and authenticity of this book and Kingma's other works. This book is only about the Ending of relationships, and how we can accept and even profit from the experience. Granted, there is much that is left out (e.g., avenues of reconciliation, effects on children, etc.) but what is covered is the best I have ever found. Some remarks on the more critical reviews:
- I'm not a psychologist but I disagree that Kingma is proposing a 'neo-Freudian perspective.' I would rather suggest Alice Miller and Murray Bowen (creater of Bowen Family Systems) as much more modern, informed and fitting psychological views embraced by Kingma. Most of the stuff we bring to our relationships IS from our parents and family experience including, as Kingma suggests, the incomplete or recreated experiences from other intimate relationships. We either finally get IT right; or we keep doing IT over and over again.
- I agree not everything in this book is useful to everyone. But that is true of all books.
- Finally, some reviews miss the incredible pay-off of Kingma's approach: There is a reason for the end of every relationship, and that reason need not, should not, be construed as a personal failure. We learn from each and every relationship. If we can break free from the 'happy-ever-after' model we have inherited from our culture, we can actually see the beautiful progression of our lives as we struggle to be whole, free and open to both giving and receiving love. This allows us gratitude for each and every person we have loved. Much better than viewing all of us as failures.

If you are called to this topic my advice is to start with Kingma's book and then, only then, see what else can be found on this subject.

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